Confessions
by Lady Bisclavret
Summary: ONE SHOT. Although she knows she ought to be studying for her history test, Kagome is feeling depressed. While she tries to put a finger on the reason why, Inuyasha drops by to check up on her and some things come out that neither really expected.


_Kagome is one of my absolute favorite characters in Inuyasha, or for that matter, anime in general. She is strong, independent, and clever, more so than most female characters in anime series. Although I respect the opinions of others, I can't help but feel bothered when someone says that they dislike Kagome for one reason or another because she isn't dark and complex enough, or seems like a perky Mary Sueish ditz. This is not true of her character at all. She's as human as you or I am, and her relationship with Inuyasha is my all time favorite relationship out of all of my fandoms. This one shot is one of my many attempts to define why I love both Kagome, and her relationship with Inuyasha._

**Confessions**

A One-Shot Story by Lady Bisclavret

"Kagome?" asked a voice. "Kagome, are you awake?"

The young miko rolled over in bed and squinted up at her mother in the dim light."Honey, it's almost six-thirty. Are you feeling all right?" she asked, her face full of concern.

"Yeah." Kagome mumbled. "I was just taking a short nap after finishing my history homework. I have a test tomorrow."

"Do you want something to eat? I can fix something for you if you want."

"No. I'm fine."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, thanks."

Mrs. Higurashi stroked Kagome's hair. "You just do the best that you can, okay, sweetie? If you need anything just let me know." She bent down and kissed her daughter's forehead, then left the room, closing the door quietly behind her.

Kagome stared up at the ceiling, listening to the tick of her alarm clock and the occasional horn from the cars on the road. The sun was setting now, its rays beating against the slats in the Venetian shade on her window, casting thin shafts of deep gold light into the dim, rusty bronze shadows of the room.

The relative stillness and tranquility of her surroundings reminded her of the Feudal Era. Kagome sighed, and turned over on the bed. Lately, she'd been feeling listless and out of sorts, so much so that she all but welcomed the history test, as it gave her an excuse to leave the company of her friends for a short time while she gathered her thoughts. However, something still wasn't right. She closed her eyes and tried hard to find a word that described the way she felt. It's almost like I'm depressed, she thought. What could I possibly be depressed about? I have family and friends here who love and care about me, and friends in the Sengoku Jidai who are practically my second family. I spend so little time here anymore. I should be happy to be home!

She wanted to talk to someone, anyone, who might be able to give her a hint as to why she was feeling so frustrated and melancholy, but she didn't know who to turn to. Usually, in the modern era, she'd talk things over with her mother. She'd helped her before when she was feeling depressed about her relationship with Inuyasha, but she wasn't sure if her mother could really help her this time. Her mother didn't really know what it was like to travel between two worlds, or even what things were _like_ in the other world. In the Feudal Era, she might have turned to Sango or Miroku, but again, she encountered the same problem. She thought about all the people she knew and slowly realized that she didn't really _have _anyone to talk to about her adventures in the Feudal Era. For the first time in a long time, Kagome actually felt lonely. Maybe, this was her problem, instead of depression.

It occurred to her that this was probably how Kikyou felt too, all the time. Wandering wearily, friendless and alone except for the shinidamachuu. Kagome's stomach churned uneasily. The only person with whom Kikyou had any real deep connection was miles away, preoccupied with other things, other people. Did she know that Inuyasha's thoughts were almost always turned to her as well? She never saw the regret reflected in his eyes whenever they passed by a field of slain warriors, or in the unusually gentle demeanor he adopted whenever Sango woke them with her sobbing in the middle of the night, curled into a fetal position and rocking back and forth from another nightmare. Kikyou never saw the iron grip with which he held on to the memory of their love, terrified it was disintegrating before his very eyes into wisps of smoke and scattering to the winds. Perhaps Kikyou did know how much Inuyasha suffered for her. And Kikyou, she thought as burning chunks rose slowly in her dry throat, probably feels the same way for him. Here I am, feeling lonely and depressed and sorry for myself while she's wandering somewhere out there knowing that the only man she ever loved is with someone else. He isn't mine. He never was, even when I thought he might have been. I'm the cold imitation, not her. How could I possibly compare to her sacrifice? I'm just a selfish idiot, she decided as her eyes filled with hot tears. She pressed her face deeper into the pillow to muffle the sound of her crying.

Some minutes later, a rattling sound by the shade jolted her out of her reverie. Hastily, she wiped her face on her sheets while on her ceiling, the darkening shafts of light shuddered. When she finally looked up towards the window, she saw a certain pair of eyes peering in on her. Realizing that she was awake, they drew back, embarrassed.

"It's all right. You can come in." she said quickly, hoping her eyes didn't look obviously red in the dim light.

Inuyasha hesitated, then carefully pushed the blind aside and climbed into the room. He stood over her bed, with a quizzical expression on his face. "You call this studying?" he asked sarcastically.

"I was taking a nap."

"I won't bother you, then." He said, turning back to the window. Then he glanced back at her. "Are you sure you're feeling all right? You don't look so good."

"I'll be fine." She said, struggling to sit up. She pretended to yawn widely, and snatched a tissue from the box on the table beside her as an excuse to blow her nose.

He clapped a hand to her forehead. "You don't have a fever," he said slowly. He sat down on her bed and leaned in for a closer look.

"Didn't I tell you I was fine?" she said, smiling weakly.

"That's exactly the problem." he retorted. He settled himself on her bed, leaning his back on the wall. "Talk." he ordered.

Kagome could feel her stomach twisting into a knot, but she carefully kept her face a blank mask. "About what?"

"About what's bothering you, idiot!"

"Nothing's bothering me!" She exclaimed. "I'm just a little tired!"

"Don't think I haven't noticed that something's been bothering you. That's why I let you go home." Kagome opened her mouth to argue that she would have left to take the test anyway, but he cut her off. "Even if you were just a little tired, you'd still be sitting at your desk studying. I know you, Kagome, and you haven't been yourself lately. Can't you trust me?" he asked.

They both recognized the irony in the last statement at the same time. Inuyasha snorted, but Kagome just chuckled a little in defeat.

"I do trust you, Inuyasha. It's just, well, it's a little awkward to talk about it with you." He didn't answer, but waited patiently for her to continue. She didn't want to show Inuyasha these ugly feelings. They would repulse him as much as they did her, like when she had caught him kissing Kikyou that night just beyond the well 1. But, perhaps, that was what she needed (_or wanted_) to do. If she repulsed him with her selfishness, he could hate her and that would make things easier for the both of them. She would no longer have his love, but--no. It would only hurt him more, wouldn't it?

"Well?" he said.

Kagome was at a loss. Maybe, instead of trying to word it a certain way or soften the blow, she thought, I really should just be honest with him. "Well, let me try to put it this way: what do I look like to you? What is it?" she asked when he started.

He shook his head, pale. "Er, I tell you after." He mumbled. "Go on."

She hesitated. Kikyou was in his eyes again. Do I dare continue? She looked down at the mauve comforter, and started to play with the edge. A tidal wave of sorrow and pain threatened to crash over her, like nothing she'd ever felt before. She couldn't think straight. Before she could stop herself, she plunged onward. "Ever since I fell through the well, I was always known as Kikyou's reincarnation. I was her reincarnation to you, to Kaede-obachan, to the villagers, to everyone who knew her while she was alive. My soul, my powers they aren't mine, they're hers. I guess you might say that it was a while before...before I could become myself, I think. Even now, it's hard sometimes to convince even myself that I am my own person, and not just an imitation of Kikyou." Kagome paused. "Does that make any sense?" she asked, still not looking at his face.

He swallowed, not looking at her either. "It does." he murmured.

"Things might not even be so bad if it were just that. The Sengoku Jidai is not the era I come from; My home belongs in this era. But, even considering that, my life was changed the day I fell down the well and unsealed you. I'm not the person I once was. I can't help but think that although _this_ is my era, my home also belongs in the Sengoku Jidai. I mean, God forbid the well should ever close up behind me one day-" (Inuyasha shuddered unnoticed.) "I really don't know what I would do. What could I do? Just pick up my life where I left off? I can't forget or ignore the time I've spent there, and I can't share any of my feelings and experiences with my friends from this era! You, Sango, Miroku, Shippou, Kirara, all of you have become a second family to me. I don't want to--can't--lose any of you. But, in the end, I'm still just an imitation, aren't I? Someone who belongs neither there, nor here, but something..." she broke off, surprised with herself. Awkwardly, she looked up to meet Inuyasha's eyes, but he was just staring at her, wide eyed, with an unreadable expression on his face.

"Are you done yet?" he asked.

She looked away. "Yes." she said, a little sadly.

"Good." He moved on top of her and pinned her arms down.

She breathed in sharply, eyes widening. "What-"

"Now listen here," he growled fiercely, looking her straight in the eye, "you are no one else except Kagome, one of the strongest, bravest, most beautiful women I have ever known. You may look like the woman I once loved, but that does not mean you are her. Believe me, I know this, and would never, ever have you any other way. You and I are part of a family, and I will die before I see this family split apart. If that well _ever_ tries to close up one day, you can be damn sure I will force it open again! You are Kagome--my Kagome--and I need you!" Here, Inuyasha stopped, realizing what he just said. Kagome didn't say a word, her mouth hanging open slightly. Tears were spilling down her cheeks again, while her heart was pounding hard enough to burst out of her chest.

"But what about Kikyou?" she asked desperately, a howl of pain welling inside her and threatening to explode any moment. _I have to be strong…must be strong…for both our sakes…_"You love her!" _I'll just go on making him happy. He's been hurt so much for so long…_"I can't compare to her! I won't! I won't hurt you!"

She stopped, staring at him wildly. Her wretched tongue had slipped.

"Kikyou," he began, speaking as though every word were costing him a terrible effort, "I must repay my debt to Kikyou. But…but she has…she has passed on." his voice broke, and he looked away, his shoulders trembling violently. "I will never forget her." he croaked.

"I never asked you to." she murmured, with equal difficulty. She pulled him into an embrace, and began to stroke his long, silver hair. "And I never will."

"Neither," uttered he, "did I ever ask for you to try to compare yourself to Kikyou. That was my own, foolish mistake."

They held each other, undisturbed, for what seemed like an age. Eventually, when the tidal wave passed and their tears had finally subsided, the only sound to be heard in the room was the booming ticks of time as it marched slowly on. They screwed up their courage to look the other in the eye, both looking up in the same moment. As always, there was a mute agreement between them there, a tacit alliance to protect and defend each other, even against themselves. Wordlessly, Inuyasha closed his eyes and gently kissed her on the brow.

"I love you, Kagome."

1 Episode 38, I think.

(Author's note: Uh, hey guys. Thanks for the nice reviews you left. A couple of hours after I posted the story, I reread it and decided that some things needed to be elaborated on so I extended a few parts. Unfortunately, doesn't record changes very quickly. If you got this far and wondered why you didn't recognize some parts from before, that's why.)

7


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